Millions of rabid fan girls are swarming in my backyard right now. They have harvested Edward's powers to hear my thoughts and are gathering their sparkly weapons, ready to attack. They've sensed that I am about to bash their beloved book Twilight, which is their sole purpose in life, and Edward Cullen, their fictional boyfriend. Admittedly, I only read the first 350 or so pages of Twilight. It was just that bad; I couldn't bear to finish the entire thing. Why, you may ask? Oh, I'll tell you why...
1. This book is poorly written, unbearably repetitive, and filled with pointless detail.
First off, it has no plot, and I typically enjoy my books to have plots. Just typically. It is written for the comprehension level of a twelve year old, which is fine, except Meyer randomly sticks big words in the narrative, as if trying to impress us. "Ooh, Stephenie Meyer used the word enigmatic! She must be a true literary genius!"
Also, Edward, who is seventeen (or rather a 107 year old virgin who acts seventeen), uses the word ostentatious in conversation. I am sixteen. I do not use the word ostentatious in casual conversation. Neither does any teenager I have ever spoken to.
On every page of the novel, Bella mentions how unfathomably gorgeous Edward is in every aspect, and how he is perfect at everything. On each page, Bella would discover excitedly that, "OMG! He's good at playing an instrument, too! Who would have guessed?" And it's comforting to know that in case we forgot how beautiful the pale, cold, abusive Edward was the first 1,239,939,499 times, our feeble minds will be reminded 3,353,353,234 more. Thanks, Steph!
The book is also drowning in pointless detail. I'm glad to know what Bella eats for dinner each and every night. It's so important that I've written out a list of it, and keep it in the kitchen so I can cook just like her! I'm also glad to know what each of Bella's pointless and personality-less friends buy on their shopping trips, which take 100 pages to describe. After all, the bigger the book, the better the author and story, right?
2. Edward sparkles. (O I FIXED IT)
Need I say more?
3. Everything about Isabella Swan is horrific.
All she does is complain, 24/7. Upon arrival in Forks, Washington, she sulks despite the fact that her father buys her a truck. She doesn't have to pay a cent, not even for insurance or gas... One of her biggest complaints is that the area is "too green." Yeah, that's one of my biggest problems in life, too, Bella. I mean, all that greenery..AGH! It sucks! I feel you there.
From day one, almost all of Bella's thoughts are about Edward. I'm sure that's entirely healthy, and extremely interesting to read about
. In addition, I'm glad she has a personality, and is not a complete Mary Sue.
Allow me to mention the fact that her name means BEAUTIFUL SWAN. Wow, that's really cool! I wish my name was Unicorn Rainbow, Teddybear Fluffy, Sunshine Love or, at the very least, Desity Hope! Maybe I could be in Vampire Cloob then, too.
Last but not least, when Edward plays Bella a song he wrote for her, she starts to cry. When Edward kisses her, she faints. She also faints at the sight of blood. In other words, she embodies a weak and helpless female, completely dependent on her rather abusive partner. Oh, and I might add that the only reason Edward loves her is because she smells good, which is so romantic.
5. Edward = Worlds Best Creepster (I'm not fixing the counting because it's funny.)
That's right, he's an even worse creeper than you are on Facebook. No, I'm not kidding, he is, because get this: he watches Bella as she sleeps. Yeah. Even you don't do that, right? And in typical Bella fashion, she admits that she's "flattered" by this intense creepery. Shit's messed up.
To make matters several times worse, Edward can read minds, probably the result of reading Facebook wall-to-walls for several years.
. In addition, I'm glad she has a personality, and is not a complete Mary Sue. 
